How we lead our homes will affect generations. Debbie and I were not “helicopter parents,”[1] nor were we totalitarians (the kids might argue differently). We made sure to spend time loving each child and we supported their developmental activities.
Until the age of 16, we knew where our children were every moment of their young lives. What happens when a child turns 16, the driver’s license. Watching them go off on their own life experiences was internal anguish, yet we trusted them (to a point) to do right in the world.
Debbie and I vowed we would not raise our children the same way we were. Corporal punishment is an easy and lazy way to punish bad behavior.[2] As parents, we were determined to reach for their hearts, not their backsides. Because each child is wired differently, there is not one punishment that works for each child; hence this is why I call spanking the lazy way. I can count on one hand the times I used spanking as a punishment for my kids. All were between 3 and 7 years of age. I did not spank them every time something went wrong because it is not always needed; most discipline involved time-outs and restrictions of privileges. Debbie and I never believed in “Go to bed without dinner” punishment. We discovered they hated eating with us while in trouble - silence and lack of attention hurts, too.
As parents, we understood early life experiences shape who they were to become. Every single aspect of human life affects specific neural networks in the brain that change as the results of experiences or does not change due to the lack of experiences. In the book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Dr. Perry reflects on experiences in his research and his work with children affected by trauma in the early stages of development. Dr. Perry writes, “about 40 of percent of American children will have at least one potentially traumatizing experience by the age of eighteen.”[3] Each year child protection agencies take in millions of reports about children abused or neglected; it is estimated that one-third of these children will have psychological problems because of their abuse.
I read the Introduction and first chapter of The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog when the book became too much, and I had to put it down. A little while later, I purchased the audio-book, downloaded it to my iPad, sat in a quiet part of the house and listened to the tragedies (and treatment successes) for hours on end.
Reading this book got me thinking about the discipline I received as a child. My parents believed in the paddle, and they dared to say, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I do not see how; since I was the one feeling it. Looking back at my childhood, I cannot remember all of paddlings or whuppin’s. I usually tell my kids the story of my grandmother making me cut a stick, and heaven forbid if the switch broke. Or my dad taking off his belt, he did not do it very often, but when he did, instant obedience from any child nearby. Then there is a somewhat humorous story that earned me three swings of punishment from the school principal: after football practice, late one afternoon, a couple of friends and I moved a teacher’s classroom (everything) into the boy’s bathroom – I was a junior in High school.
As Debbie and I discussed paddling as a disciplinary issue at the start of our relationship, I discovered we had similar discipline experiences growing up. We agreed that spanking was not removed as a disciplinary tool but would be the option of last resort. Our justification, sometimes it is the only way to get a kid's attention and redirect a bad behavior when logic and reason off the table and all other means of discipline fail. A spank will grab their attention and stopped patterns of misbehavior. I can only remember spanking the youngest daughter twice before the age of 6, once in the middle of a grocery store I picked her up, turned her around and smack. I swore I could hear applause in the next aisle over. Then at five years old, she ran off in a crowd parking lot with cars driving too fast. Another “big event” happened with our son, he was caught son stealing and lying about it. This warranted more than a spank; then I remembered my thievery incident.
I stole a yo-yo and some hard candy from the Ben Franklin store in Sheridan, Indiana. Providence placed my Grandfather [4] with me for that lesson. He was wise in the ways silence and physical presence.[5] He pulled his truck over to the side of the road after discovering my transgression. Asking for the toy and gum, he leaned forward a little and said, “Paul, I am disappointed in you, how can I trust a thief?” I was devastated; this man was closer to me than my own father, turning the truck around he drove back to town. After parking in front of the store, he walked around to my door, opened it, grabbed my loot, took my hand, and led me back inside the Five and Dime. At the front counter, my grandfather asked for the manager. The manager arrived he said, “Good afternoon, Mr. Brown.” My grandfather told me to apologize to every person there for stealing, which was followed by a lecture from the manager. And he made me pay for the candy I had to put back. Later, when we returned home, my grandmother lit me up. I was six years old.
The incident at Ben Franklin flashed through my head as I glared at my son. I told him to bring the candy and come with me. We drove back to the convenience store, he apologized, and we went home. When we returned home and as he apologized to his mom, I removed my belt, “Sorry buddy, stealing and lying just don’t belong in this house, let’s go outside.” I sat on the stairs and told him, “I want you to know that I do love you, but what you did was wrong, turn around.” Dang, if I could not do it, as he cried in expectancy. I said, “Austin. Never steal and never lie.” I only had two swats in me and took him back to his mom. Then, I went to a silent place and prayed. He was six years old.
When my kids are ready for children, I am thinking, maybe give them a copy of this book and ask them to read chapter 6. I grieve for even having to punish my kids. I grieve for all the children mentioned in The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. I pray for all those who have suffered from abusive parents and caretakers.
Works Cited:
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Philadelphia: Basic Books, 2006.
Morse, MaryKate. Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space and Influence. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2008.
[1] What is helicopter parenting? https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/
[2]Definition of corporal punishment: punishment that involves hitting someone, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/corporal%20punishment
[3] Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Philadelphia: Basic Books, 2006. (2)
[4] We were raised to use all formal relational names and are still used: uncle, aunt, etc…
[5] Morse, MaryKate. Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space and Influence. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2008
Until the age of 16, we knew where our children were every moment of their young lives. What happens when a child turns 16, the driver’s license. Watching them go off on their own life experiences was internal anguish, yet we trusted them (to a point) to do right in the world.
Debbie and I vowed we would not raise our children the same way we were. Corporal punishment is an easy and lazy way to punish bad behavior.[2] As parents, we were determined to reach for their hearts, not their backsides. Because each child is wired differently, there is not one punishment that works for each child; hence this is why I call spanking the lazy way. I can count on one hand the times I used spanking as a punishment for my kids. All were between 3 and 7 years of age. I did not spank them every time something went wrong because it is not always needed; most discipline involved time-outs and restrictions of privileges. Debbie and I never believed in “Go to bed without dinner” punishment. We discovered they hated eating with us while in trouble - silence and lack of attention hurts, too.
As parents, we understood early life experiences shape who they were to become. Every single aspect of human life affects specific neural networks in the brain that change as the results of experiences or does not change due to the lack of experiences. In the book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Dr. Perry reflects on experiences in his research and his work with children affected by trauma in the early stages of development. Dr. Perry writes, “about 40 of percent of American children will have at least one potentially traumatizing experience by the age of eighteen.”[3] Each year child protection agencies take in millions of reports about children abused or neglected; it is estimated that one-third of these children will have psychological problems because of their abuse.
I read the Introduction and first chapter of The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog when the book became too much, and I had to put it down. A little while later, I purchased the audio-book, downloaded it to my iPad, sat in a quiet part of the house and listened to the tragedies (and treatment successes) for hours on end.
Reading this book got me thinking about the discipline I received as a child. My parents believed in the paddle, and they dared to say, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I do not see how; since I was the one feeling it. Looking back at my childhood, I cannot remember all of paddlings or whuppin’s. I usually tell my kids the story of my grandmother making me cut a stick, and heaven forbid if the switch broke. Or my dad taking off his belt, he did not do it very often, but when he did, instant obedience from any child nearby. Then there is a somewhat humorous story that earned me three swings of punishment from the school principal: after football practice, late one afternoon, a couple of friends and I moved a teacher’s classroom (everything) into the boy’s bathroom – I was a junior in High school.
As Debbie and I discussed paddling as a disciplinary issue at the start of our relationship, I discovered we had similar discipline experiences growing up. We agreed that spanking was not removed as a disciplinary tool but would be the option of last resort. Our justification, sometimes it is the only way to get a kid's attention and redirect a bad behavior when logic and reason off the table and all other means of discipline fail. A spank will grab their attention and stopped patterns of misbehavior. I can only remember spanking the youngest daughter twice before the age of 6, once in the middle of a grocery store I picked her up, turned her around and smack. I swore I could hear applause in the next aisle over. Then at five years old, she ran off in a crowd parking lot with cars driving too fast. Another “big event” happened with our son, he was caught son stealing and lying about it. This warranted more than a spank; then I remembered my thievery incident.
I stole a yo-yo and some hard candy from the Ben Franklin store in Sheridan, Indiana. Providence placed my Grandfather [4] with me for that lesson. He was wise in the ways silence and physical presence.[5] He pulled his truck over to the side of the road after discovering my transgression. Asking for the toy and gum, he leaned forward a little and said, “Paul, I am disappointed in you, how can I trust a thief?” I was devastated; this man was closer to me than my own father, turning the truck around he drove back to town. After parking in front of the store, he walked around to my door, opened it, grabbed my loot, took my hand, and led me back inside the Five and Dime. At the front counter, my grandfather asked for the manager. The manager arrived he said, “Good afternoon, Mr. Brown.” My grandfather told me to apologize to every person there for stealing, which was followed by a lecture from the manager. And he made me pay for the candy I had to put back. Later, when we returned home, my grandmother lit me up. I was six years old.
The incident at Ben Franklin flashed through my head as I glared at my son. I told him to bring the candy and come with me. We drove back to the convenience store, he apologized, and we went home. When we returned home and as he apologized to his mom, I removed my belt, “Sorry buddy, stealing and lying just don’t belong in this house, let’s go outside.” I sat on the stairs and told him, “I want you to know that I do love you, but what you did was wrong, turn around.” Dang, if I could not do it, as he cried in expectancy. I said, “Austin. Never steal and never lie.” I only had two swats in me and took him back to his mom. Then, I went to a silent place and prayed. He was six years old.
When my kids are ready for children, I am thinking, maybe give them a copy of this book and ask them to read chapter 6. I grieve for even having to punish my kids. I grieve for all the children mentioned in The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. I pray for all those who have suffered from abusive parents and caretakers.
Works Cited:
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Philadelphia: Basic Books, 2006.
Morse, MaryKate. Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space and Influence. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2008.
[1] What is helicopter parenting? https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/
[2]Definition of corporal punishment: punishment that involves hitting someone, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/corporal%20punishment
[3] Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Philadelphia: Basic Books, 2006. (2)
[4] We were raised to use all formal relational names and are still used: uncle, aunt, etc…
[5] Morse, MaryKate. Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space and Influence. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2008
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